it's really amazing, how humans can get caught up in the stupidest stuff.
i haven't really made a real entry for a long time...and why? because i started a new full-time job, and i got cats, so most of my free-time has dissapeared.
yet, i still have the urge to write, to express myself, to record my thoughts and dreams and fears and emotions. all of it.
and god knows the cats aren't going to listen to me!!!
i am at work right now, and when i am at work, i have a tendency-if i am doing something which doesn't require my full attention- to sort of daydream about my future. for a while, i owned my own wildly successful web-design firm, and all the employees loved me, and i was a great business-woman. oh, and i made a ton of money too...
but now, the daydream tends to run along a lifelong dream i have had: to write a book. i have thought of writing for as long as i can remember, but for some reason, all i ever manage to write is diary entries and english assignments. i don't even know what kind of book i would write, a children's book, a fiction novel, a self-help book, an autobiography...there are just too many options, i can't seem to decide.
there is also this: i am afraid. i am absolutely terrified that when i get finished writing 'my book', that i will hate it, or everyone else will hate it, and my dream will be shattered. the question:
is it better to not reach for a dream at all, or to reach for it, and risk failure?
i know the answer...but it's a big departure from the normal me...and change is hard. i don't have great self-confidence, so the idea of me acctually finishing the book, much less it becoming a success, seems like a distant fantasy, merely to be left with my dreams of becoming an astronaut and becoming an artist.
i hope the actual writing will be a lot easier than fighting this mental war in my head!
ps, this entry is also an attempt to open myself up a little, to wear my heart on my sleeve. i've always been the listener and never the talker...