well, i have done absolutely shit today. got up at 8:30 am, played on the internet for quite some time, ate some stale popcorn, did a bit of laundry, played some more on the internet, watched the first four episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and here i am now, playing on the internet...
oh well, it was a nice relaxing day, so i guess that's good. i am supposed to go to dustin's tomorrow, which i am really excited about, but i'm not sure if it will happen or not...what can i say? he & i haven't really been friends since lance came on the scene almost 2 years ago- we've talked, and hung out a little, but it's been so very different than what it used to be.
i think that i have a hard time with change. i mean, mentally, it doesn't bother me usually, but i think that somewhere deep in my subconcious, change makes me anxious. i wonder sometimes if i've got what it takes to make my dreams come true. i saw a very wise saying once that said something along the lines of:
we are never given dreams that we do not have the means to acheive.
that's a big concept. it's a great thought, but sometimes i doubt. what if i'm the one who dreams too big, whose expectations of life are just a little bit too high, whose imagination reaches places it's not supposed to? what if i'm doomed to live this sort of half-life for ever? what if i never do the things i want to do? what if, 50 years from now, i look back at my life and realize that i've never taken a chance? maybe i'm not afraid of change, maybe it's the unknown. maybe i'm so paralyzed by my fear of the future, that's why the present keeps slipping away from me. but what if i never learn that one thing that will set me free from my fears? what if the answer, that has been on the tip of my brain for years it seems like now, never materializes? what if i am still working in an office when i am 50? i want to take chances, i want to see the world and all of the beautiful things in it. i want to see how good, honest people are and i want to prove to all the rich snobs that they really don't have everything. i want to make a difference in someone's life. i want to be remembered by at least one person, who will say that they were blessed to know me, or that they feel grateful for having known me. i want to do something that is important to not just me, but the world, to mankind. i hate the papers that i push around all day. i help a global company who already has enough money for a millenium increase their stock prices. i help billionaires become trillionaires. i hate it. i want to inspire imaginations, to spark curiosity, to provoke thought. i want to help people wake up from the sleep their lives are to help them realize that there is something better out there than just getting by. i want to tell people that they are not alone, and that there are others who have gone through what they have, and that no matter what, no one is ever truly alone. i want to excersize my creativity. i want to be free from my indentured servitude.
i want to live, to truly live my life.