well, i'm at work. on lunch. only 3 hours left.
i've been sort of split lately, or maybe longer, but i've only now just realized it. i've been looking for another job (i'm just temping now), but i cannot seem to find a single thing. i've always been pretty fortunate when looking for a new job- and most of the jobs i've had have been great for the time in my life that i was at them. but since i left ggf in march, it's like the universe doesn't want me to get another office job, so it won't let me find one. and i'd have no problem not having an office job, if only i could make a living being creative or knitting or writing. but that leap of faith seems so impossible. my rational mind tells me not to leave the temp job until they tell me to go (probably this month or next), and to find another office job right away. my creative side says to just jump- quit the office job and use the free time to start selling my knitting and write. but i don't think i can. i'm so scared. i don't have a lot of friends, and it's very easy for me to convince myself that i'll never be able to make a living off my creativity. or that i'll never finish a story. i'm not a writer, i'm an office clerk. but that's not me, and it never will be. i want to live my dreams and forget corporate america. i want to laugh everyday and wake up smiling and looking forward to the day. i want to grow my own vegetables and not use my credit cards anymore. i want to watch the sun set and not think about anything else- if only for that moment when it's last rays linger above the horizon. i want to dance and sing and laugh and tell stories. i want to share secrets with best friends and have tea parties with fairies. i want to be free- financially, mentally, physically and spiritually.
if only i could figure out how...
ps. if this entry seems a bit crazy, it's because i've had a lousy morning at work, and needed to stand up on my soapbox.