how could you know? how could you know that when i said that i didn't mind you going, that what i really meant was that i didn't want to have to ask you to stay. i know that i should've just asked you to stay, but i just wanted someone to take care of me, and no one has been able to do that for what seems like a long long time.
it's not that i've asked to be taken care of, so how can i expect anyone to know that i need to be? i'm just a big baby. i've been 'the listener' and 'the good wife' (well, this is questionable) and 'the good daughter' for so long that i'm just used to stuffing all of my crap so far down that i don't even know it's there. then one day- usually when i'm alone or when it's 'that time'. and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and the weight of it all just squashes me. i just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the whole world for a month.
but that's not going to happen. i can't take time off of work and i can't abandon my life for one week much less a whole month. it's not always this bad- sometimes i think that i must be manic depressive or something with my moods up and down and up and down and i can barely keep up with them much less control them. but now i'm bottomed out and i feel like crap- my neck hurts just from having the weight of my hair on it (my own fault- i should have just taken care of it a week ago when i could have without all of this extra pain, but nooooo, i had to be all 'it will just go away' you'd think i'd learn my lesson, this being at least the second or third time to happen, but no. i suck).
ok, so i'm tangenting now, and yes, lance, i know that is not really a word, but i like how it sounds better and i'm the one typing out the words. so there.
so yes, tangenting. i don't even remember what i was going to type. i've been doing this all the time lately- i'll go into my boss's office and before i get a chance to say anything i'll completely forget what i went into there to say.
so yeah, i'm thinking that i really don't like being 23. not that i can change it, aside from just waiting. not that i've got any specific reason for not liking 23, maybe it doesn't suit me. maybe it's just that i don't feel 23- whether i feel older or younger i'm not sure, but i just don't like 23.
ok, so i'm going to shut up now, enough rambling for jenn for one night- and my laptop is dying, so this entry is going to end one way or another...