every time i think that it cannot possibly get any worse, i feel another panic attack coming on.
i struggle to hold back the tears so that nobody knows how awful it is for me, but i feel like i could crack at any minute, and then i won't be able to hold myself together anymore.
she talks about me in front of other people as if i'm amazing, then in private, she can be one of the meanest people i know.
i just want a normal job. normal hours, normal pay (as long as it's enough, i don't need much) normal people to work with. is there such a thing?
i once left a job suddenly because the stress had engulfed me and left me with constant anxiety attacks & very severe migraines. i felt like i wasn't quitting, i was taking care of myself. if i quit this job, is it because i'm undermining my faith in my abilities, or because i am trying to nurture myself?
i want simplicity. trees and wind and water. i want calm afternoons and fun mornings. i want to find work that isn't really work at all.
this job is a test or a lesson for me- i think. either it is a lesson to show me that i can do anything i want, or a test of something i do not yet know.
i don't think i can do it for very much longer, though. i feel my spirit being sucked out of me, working until 2am, then getting up at 5am to start work at 6am. not everyday, but i feel so worn, so tired, so jaded.
so what do i do with myself? quit this job and scramble to find another before the mortgage can't be paid anymore? try to stick it out, all the while hating it? i understand that life does not always hold simple answers, but i just feel like i've had such a hard time the past year. i've been searching for a niche, and all i've found is boring jobs, and too-stressful jobs and nothing that really lit my heart up.
so how do i achieve a dream when i'm not even sure of what that dream may be?